The Thing I Wanted Most For My Child, But Do Not Have

When I first found out a year ago that I was expecting I knew one thing and one thing only, I wanted to breastfeed my child.  I know my best friend (Anastasia's Godmother), had done it for her 2 kids (and was planning to for her third), and I wanted to follow in her foot steps.  As the time got closer for Anastasia's delivery I became nervous, if I have a C-Section I won't be able to bond with my child and I won't produce milk.  At least that is apparently how it was 36 years ago when my sister was born.

So my pregnancy ended quite suddenly with the text from my specialist telling the OB on call to perform an emergency c section on me and the fear set in.  Will my milk come in, will I be able to supply my child.  Well, that apparently would not be the problem.  I have an ample supply even now 6+ months after the fact.

What then is my problem?  My child doesn't latch well.  I have pretty much given up breastfeeding because every time I try to nurse her she cries so hard that I can't take it.  So 3 times every day I hook myself up to my double pump and express anywhere from 10-16 oz a session.

I know what you're saying (because friends of mine have already said it), she's still getting the milk she needs why do you need to nurse her?  I don't know why, I guess I always felt it was a part of motherhood.  It was literally the one thing I wanted to do for my child and I can't.  Sometimes I get so upset about it that I start crying uncontrollably.

There are people that lift me up, those who tell me that so many mothers would not have the tolerance to do what I have done, but I still in some way feel incomplete.  When Anastasia cries so hard when I try to nurse her I feel rejected, and I know she doesn't mean it.  The sadness I feel consumes me at times, I can't help it.

I don't blame the nurses in NICU, they were doing what they needed to do to get her home.  For the most part blame myself for not keeping with it, for worrying about how much less I would pump out when I would nurse.

I am sorry for the vent, this is just something that has been on my mind, especially today for some reason.

Thank you all for reading...

Blessings to you All

Jessica

How do you deal with long distance relatives?

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  Between job hunting and taking care of Anastasia it's been a crazy time!  Then suddenly Anastasia decided she didn't want to sleep through the night or in her crib!  Thankfully this week she has finally gone back to where she was.

So I'm hoping that when I share this on Facebook I do this right, there are a couple of people who almost ruined Anastasia's baptism for us one of which is on my friends list and I don't care to hear from them until they call my husband and apologize.

So how exactly do you deal with relatives who live far away?  Anastasia's paternal grandmother lives almost 2000 miles away from us.  She was supposed to come for the baptism, but ran into travel issues and no showed us.  Very upsetting for us, especially my husband, who had gotten his hopes up that she would be there to see her grandchild for the first time.  I know finances played a partial role in this, and unfortunately with my non work situation we could not help.

The thing is we made the arrangements in April, actually the day I was released from the hospital about when she would be baptized, and then told her.  That was almost 5 months prior.  I can't help but be mad about it.

The worst thing about it, my biggest fear about having a child was knowing that this distance would affect us. We have yet to hear from her-it's been over 3 weeks.  We didn't even hear from her that she wasn't coming. (That is another story that I will not go into on here).

So are there any other mothers who have to deal with their childrens grandparents or even aunts and uncle living so far away?  How do you explain it to your children when they are disappointed by them.  I am lucky that Anastasia is only 6 months old and didn't really comprehend what happened.  But sooner or later I know another let down will come and she will be old enough to be as hurt (if not more) by the actions.

Thank you for your help, and also allowing me to vent without going into too many details!

Blessings to you all!

Musings of a mother of a colicky baby

Yup you've read right.  Ana has colic with a possible touch of reflux.  This was diagnosed last Monday when she started having a screaming fit at 12 pm and it didn't end until almost 8 or 9.  We went to the Dr to see if there was just anything else we could do for her.  The Doctor suggested getting a swing, which someone had already promised us....she loves it.  Then prescribed zantac, and suggested we get some gripe water for her to ease the gas. 

The past week has been a bit easier.  We have had a couple days when she just cries so much I want to break down myself.  I wish I could take all the pain she has on myself just so she can be the happy baby I know she is.  The episodes are getting shorter, but tonight's was quite intense.  We are told it goes away by the 4th month.  Thankfully the Dr doesn't think her prematurity should be an issue.  So we are nearing the end...and frankly it can't come soon enough.  I thank GOD that she won't remember this.  

Just so you all see this is our 3 month picture!

Blessings to you all 

Thank You

There are so many people I need to thank after the ordeal I went through 2 months ago.  I figured that I can use my blog to do so.  I am so grateful for so many people and what they did for me, big things and small things.  I am blessed to have such a great support system around me.  This may take a while but here it goes.

First to my parents Karen and Richard and my sister Jennifer.  Upon my being admitted to the hospital, they notified my church's pastor and prayer chain.  They visited me daily, and kept my spirits up.  My sister even sat with me for a couple hours when I was miserable and we watched Dance Moms together, mainly because my best friend said it was an addicting show....she was right!  My sister also made sure I had communion served to me, since I missed the service.

Next to Pastor Dorsey, who came and visited 3 times while I was admitted to the hospital, and visited little Anastasia in NICU.  First she came bearing a stuffed animal for me.  The final time she visited she brought clothes for Anastasia.  I am so grateful that I had her company.  When she visited NICU she prayed with Anastasia and I, and believe it or not, that was the last day she had an apnea of prematurity episode!

Thank you to the Sunday School of the United Methodist Church who made me a HUGE get well poster which I hung in my room (until I moved Tuesday night).  It made me feel blessed and loved.

To Everyone who visited me in the hospital Beth, Stacy, Joel, Cindy, Brian, Jenn N, Ang, Jeff, Auntie, Terri, Heather, Karen, Carole, Nancy, & Linda you all helped me get through the roughest week of my life to date!

To everyone who called, left messages for me and what not, they truly helped, especially Danielle whose message I didn't get until after my surgery, but who stated, do not be afraid of having a section I've had 2 and I am fine.

Amanda and Joanna who visited me when I came home from the hospital without my Sweet Pea.  They made what could have been a depressing day so much better.  I was still sad, but they cheered me up greatly.

Dr. Chista Safajou, without her I probably would not be here. She is the one who noticed the problem with me, and made me go to the hospital.  I was so mad at the time I was admitted, but so grateful by the time Wednesday afternoon came.

Dr. Kimberly Heller my fetal specialist, who kept telling me to "hang tight" and that we would figure this thing out.  And then upon hearing how bad I was feeling Wednesday morning did not hesitate to give the order for my C section.

Dr. Elizabeth Call, the delivering Dr.  She was calm and collected, even though I was not.  She also saved my life by delivering my child.

Nurse Jenn B, who told me not to worry, it was her job.  Having her in the operating room made me so relieved (as I had her as a nurse Saturday morning/afternoon).  Luckily my friends all behaved so we didn't have to see her alter ego Rhonda.

The Nurses and PTs of the Maternity ward at VBMC They made my very stressful stay a bit better, by their professionalism and their positive attitude.  One nurse talked to me for an hour the first night because I was so scared.

The Anesthesiologist (who I can't remember his name) he explained everything that would happen to me, and when I got uncomfortable he made sure I wasn't in pain.

The Nurses of NICU they took such good care of our Sweet Pea and I am so grateful for that

Drs Greig, Whitman and Kovacks of the NICU- they kept us informed of any major changes in Anastasia and treated her accordingly.

and finally last but not least my husband Alex, who was my rock during the whole ordeal.  I don't think I was ever so happy to see him when he arrived at the hospital the night I was admitted, or when we finally got the catheter in me before my section

The whole story about Anastasia and her birth

Back in October Alex and I found out we were expecting a baby.  Not the best timing at all since I did not have a job, and we had to move back in with my parents due to finanaces.  I struggled with this newest challenge, it seemed to be too much for me to handle...no insurance and I'm pregnant...joy of joys. I depended alot of my family and my close friends to help me find peace with the situation.  Thankfully friends directed me to apply for medicaid which was a God Send!  I found the Vassar Care Clinic in Poughkeepsie which served as my OB and started to come to terms with everything.  By the end of January I was getting frustrated with the job situation.  I was beginning to show and people were not taking me seriously as a candidate for a job. It's not fun being turned down for jobs when you are a former Asst Manager (or acting GM as I was the last month the store was open).   I just kept truckin, and by the end of January we knew we were expecting a little girl, who we decided would be called Anastasia Zalene.  

  However as happy as we were to know that a little girl would be arriving at the end of May/early June, the latest sonogram revealed that Anastasia (or Ana as we call her), had what is referred to as a 2 Vessel Cord.  This means that instead of having an umbillical cord that has 1 vein and 2 arteries, Ana's only had 1 vein and 1 artery.  We were referred to the office of Dr. Kimberly Heller, the director of maternity and fetal medicine at Vassar Brothers Hospital.  We had a great consult with her, and found that at that point (beginning of February) Ana's major organs were functioning fine, and that all we had to do was follow up in 6 weeks to ensure she was growing.  

  March 20th came and we went back to Dr. Heller's office to find that Ana was thriving.  She was approximately 3 lbs 6 oz, and was predicted to be 7 lbs by the time her due date came. Alex and I were relieved and could enjoy going away to Philiadelphia the following weekend for my annual chorus competition.  

  When we got back from contest I had my regular OB appointment and Dr. Safajou noticed that my blood pressure was a bit higher than normal. She requested some blood work, and a 24 hour urine analysis.  I would come back March 30 for a follow up.  When I went back my blood pressure seemed to have lowered, but one of my liver enzymes was elevated and the protien in my urine was also a bit high.  After consulting with Dr Heller I was admitted to Vassar Brothers hospital with suspected hypertension.

  Monday April 2nd came and Dr. Heller met with me, she said that even though I felt fine, I could quite possibly have a condition called HELLP sydrome. It is a life threatening variant of pre eclampsia, once variants start going wacky, there is no turning back, it's either deliver the child or lose your life.  I was told to sit tight because I would either be fine, or the syndrome would show itself.  

  After lunch on Monday I came down with a rotten case of heartburn.  I was given TUMS, and Pepcid but nothing would touch it.  NOT a fun night.  Tuesday came and I found I couldn't keep any food down.  I pretty much thought I was having 3rd trimester morning sickness since the rest of the pregnancy was so darn easy.  Dr. Heller came to visit me again I told her about the heartburn (why NONE of the Drs or nurses told her is beyond me), and she became a little more concerned, letting me know that heartburn that does not go away is a symptom of HELLP.  I was certain it was going away with the 2nd dose of Pepcid I was given, but she again told me to sit tight.

Tuesday night came and I could NOT get comfortable, after much debate I called the nurse and I was moved to Labor and Delivery again.  By this time the "heartburn" was not only in the top of my chest, but it was spreading down my torso and my back.  I was given morphine to take the edge off and was told that Dr. Heller would be consulted in the morning as to what to do.

  Wednesday morning the morning nurse Jenn B came in (I had her on Saturday morning as well), and she told me not to worry, as that was her and Dr. Heller's job.  Dr. Call the OB who was on from the clinic, suspected the issue was something to do with my gall bladder, but she was going to text Dr. Heller to inform her of the situation.  No more than 3 minutes went by when Dr. Call, and Nurse Jenn came back in the room to tell me that I was scheduled for an emergency C section at 10:00 am.

So Anastasia Zalene Pardee arrived April 4th, 2012 at 11:16am.  She was 4 lbs 5 oz (almost 1 pound more than the end of March), and was 17 inches long.    I did not get to see her right after she was born because my spinal was wearing off and I was getting really antsy.  I was put under just as the nurse was showing her to Alex and I.  

I waited about 27 hours to see my daughter, I learned how to pump milk so that she would have it. Ana was in NICU for 37 days and on May 11, 2 days before Mothers day she was released.  

My daughter the over achiever

Life is crazy, but yeah I should have realized that having a child makes it even crazier!  Having a preemie, well that's another story.  She is supposed to be "behind" since she was 9 weeks early.  I am a non believer of this for the simple fact that 1) my daughter, while on my left shoulder, managed to inch her way over to my right shoulder.  No joke!  2) she keeps holding her head up, and not just for a little bit.  Last night when Alex (my husband) was holding her, she kept her head up for a minute and was just observing everything around her. 

Every day is a new adventure, I can't wait for what the next 18 years will bring.  I am sure my child will beat the odds and break the stereotype that preemies have a bigger learning curve than full term!

Blessings to all of you!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there, and all the others ladies who act like surrogate mothers to loved ones.  I got a great Mother's day present 2 days early.

This young lady was released from NICU on Friday May 11!!!!  It's been an interesting 2 days getting used to having her around.  Yes lack of sleep the first night, but last night I got 6 hours of broken sleep.  But it is worth it.  Tomorrow I have my 6 week appointment with my OB in the morning and then we go to see the pediatrician in the early afternoon.  I'm quite nervous, especially since my husband can't make it due to work, but my mother will be there to help me out.  

My family has been so helpful while the hubby is working.  They really have been lifting me up when I get frustrated and down.  I am very lucky to have them in my lives.  So thank you Mom, Dad and Jennifer for all the help you gave me yesterday!

That's all for now, the little one will be stirring soon, so it will be time to feed my little piglet (she has been eating  between 2-3 oz at a clip!)

Thanks for reading...until next time blessings to you all!

Greetings

After much thought I decided to start a new blog about all the emotions, the ups and downs, and thoughts of being a mother for the first time.  For those of you who don't know I delivered my little girl Anastasia on 4/4/12, 2 months early.  So on top of being a first time mom, I also am dealing with having a premature child as well.  As of right now Ana is still in NICU.  She is thriving with the exception of having apnea of prematurity which she should be growing out of soon.  

Later I will post more of a background...as of this point I have to get to the hospital to visit my little angel.  

Blessings to you all!

Jessica (aka AnaZPs mom)