When I first found out a year ago that I was expecting I knew one thing and one thing only, I wanted to breastfeed my child. I know my best friend (Anastasia's Godmother), had done it for her 2 kids (and was planning to for her third), and I wanted to follow in her foot steps. As the time got closer for Anastasia's delivery I became nervous, if I have a C-Section I won't be able to bond with my child and I won't produce milk. At least that is apparently how it was 36 years ago when my sister was born.
So my pregnancy ended quite suddenly with the text from my specialist telling the OB on call to perform an emergency c section on me and the fear set in. Will my milk come in, will I be able to supply my child. Well, that apparently would not be the problem. I have an ample supply even now 6+ months after the fact.
What then is my problem? My child doesn't latch well. I have pretty much given up breastfeeding because every time I try to nurse her she cries so hard that I can't take it. So 3 times every day I hook myself up to my double pump and express anywhere from 10-16 oz a session.
I know what you're saying (because friends of mine have already said it), she's still getting the milk she needs why do you need to nurse her? I don't know why, I guess I always felt it was a part of motherhood. It was literally the one thing I wanted to do for my child and I can't. Sometimes I get so upset about it that I start crying uncontrollably.
There are people that lift me up, those who tell me that so many mothers would not have the tolerance to do what I have done, but I still in some way feel incomplete. When Anastasia cries so hard when I try to nurse her I feel rejected, and I know she doesn't mean it. The sadness I feel consumes me at times, I can't help it.
I don't blame the nurses in NICU, they were doing what they needed to do to get her home. For the most part blame myself for not keeping with it, for worrying about how much less I would pump out when I would nurse.
I am sorry for the vent, this is just something that has been on my mind, especially today for some reason.
Thank you all for reading...
Blessings to you All
Jessica
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
How do you deal with long distance relatives?
Sorry it has been so long since my last post. Between job hunting and taking care of Anastasia it's been a crazy time! Then suddenly Anastasia decided she didn't want to sleep through the night or in her crib! Thankfully this week she has finally gone back to where she was.
So I'm hoping that when I share this on Facebook I do this right, there are a couple of people who almost ruined Anastasia's baptism for us one of which is on my friends list and I don't care to hear from them until they call my husband and apologize.
So how exactly do you deal with relatives who live far away? Anastasia's paternal grandmother lives almost 2000 miles away from us. She was supposed to come for the baptism, but ran into travel issues and no showed us. Very upsetting for us, especially my husband, who had gotten his hopes up that she would be there to see her grandchild for the first time. I know finances played a partial role in this, and unfortunately with my non work situation we could not help.
The thing is we made the arrangements in April, actually the day I was released from the hospital about when she would be baptized, and then told her. That was almost 5 months prior. I can't help but be mad about it.
The worst thing about it, my biggest fear about having a child was knowing that this distance would affect us. We have yet to hear from her-it's been over 3 weeks. We didn't even hear from her that she wasn't coming. (That is another story that I will not go into on here).
So are there any other mothers who have to deal with their childrens grandparents or even aunts and uncle living so far away? How do you explain it to your children when they are disappointed by them. I am lucky that Anastasia is only 6 months old and didn't really comprehend what happened. But sooner or later I know another let down will come and she will be old enough to be as hurt (if not more) by the actions.
Thank you for your help, and also allowing me to vent without going into too many details!
Blessings to you all!
So I'm hoping that when I share this on Facebook I do this right, there are a couple of people who almost ruined Anastasia's baptism for us one of which is on my friends list and I don't care to hear from them until they call my husband and apologize.
So how exactly do you deal with relatives who live far away? Anastasia's paternal grandmother lives almost 2000 miles away from us. She was supposed to come for the baptism, but ran into travel issues and no showed us. Very upsetting for us, especially my husband, who had gotten his hopes up that she would be there to see her grandchild for the first time. I know finances played a partial role in this, and unfortunately with my non work situation we could not help.
The thing is we made the arrangements in April, actually the day I was released from the hospital about when she would be baptized, and then told her. That was almost 5 months prior. I can't help but be mad about it.
The worst thing about it, my biggest fear about having a child was knowing that this distance would affect us. We have yet to hear from her-it's been over 3 weeks. We didn't even hear from her that she wasn't coming. (That is another story that I will not go into on here).
So are there any other mothers who have to deal with their childrens grandparents or even aunts and uncle living so far away? How do you explain it to your children when they are disappointed by them. I am lucky that Anastasia is only 6 months old and didn't really comprehend what happened. But sooner or later I know another let down will come and she will be old enough to be as hurt (if not more) by the actions.
Thank you for your help, and also allowing me to vent without going into too many details!
Blessings to you all!
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