The Thing I Wanted Most For My Child, But Do Not Have

When I first found out a year ago that I was expecting I knew one thing and one thing only, I wanted to breastfeed my child.  I know my best friend (Anastasia's Godmother), had done it for her 2 kids (and was planning to for her third), and I wanted to follow in her foot steps.  As the time got closer for Anastasia's delivery I became nervous, if I have a C-Section I won't be able to bond with my child and I won't produce milk.  At least that is apparently how it was 36 years ago when my sister was born.

So my pregnancy ended quite suddenly with the text from my specialist telling the OB on call to perform an emergency c section on me and the fear set in.  Will my milk come in, will I be able to supply my child.  Well, that apparently would not be the problem.  I have an ample supply even now 6+ months after the fact.

What then is my problem?  My child doesn't latch well.  I have pretty much given up breastfeeding because every time I try to nurse her she cries so hard that I can't take it.  So 3 times every day I hook myself up to my double pump and express anywhere from 10-16 oz a session.

I know what you're saying (because friends of mine have already said it), she's still getting the milk she needs why do you need to nurse her?  I don't know why, I guess I always felt it was a part of motherhood.  It was literally the one thing I wanted to do for my child and I can't.  Sometimes I get so upset about it that I start crying uncontrollably.

There are people that lift me up, those who tell me that so many mothers would not have the tolerance to do what I have done, but I still in some way feel incomplete.  When Anastasia cries so hard when I try to nurse her I feel rejected, and I know she doesn't mean it.  The sadness I feel consumes me at times, I can't help it.

I don't blame the nurses in NICU, they were doing what they needed to do to get her home.  For the most part blame myself for not keeping with it, for worrying about how much less I would pump out when I would nurse.

I am sorry for the vent, this is just something that has been on my mind, especially today for some reason.

Thank you all for reading...

Blessings to you All

Jessica